1 One day Samson went to Gaza, where he saw a prostitute. He went in to spend the night with her. 2 The people of Gaza were told, “Samson is here!” So they surrounded the place and lay in wait for him all night at the city gate. They made no move during the night, saying, “At dawn we’ll kill him.” ~ Da Bible (Judges 16:1-2)
Ever since the days of the Old Testament women have been able to entice, seduce and otherwise cajole men of great power and influence in to squandering both power and influence within the span of a 24 hour news cycle–long before the advent of the 24 hour news cycle. Samson’s super natural extraordinary strength that he got from his locks was suffice enough to escape the precarious position that his patronage of the original profession placed him in. However, as with most men with a proclivity for side piece action, Samson would keep going back to the well where his luck eventually ran out. The good book goes on to say:
4 Some time later, he fell in love with a woman in the Valley of Sorek whose name was Delilah. 5 The rulers of the Philistines went to her and said, “See if you can lure him into showing you the secret of his great strength and how we can overpower him so we may tie him up and subdue him. Each one of us will give you eleven hundred shekels[a] of silver~
LeBronKing James (16:4-5)
And so began the precedent of the infamous side piece take down.
Over the years there have been countless men of great stature that went out like Humpty Dumpty due to their inability to resist the periphery. The following 10 examples are what I call modern day Delilahs. Side chicks with a mission to seek, exploit (while being exploited) and destroy. Sometimes it’s a conscious fully cognizant effort and sometimes they are just as oblivious to the inherent destruction that they leave in their wake as the sad saps that sheepishly fall prey to their fine art of seduction, so without further ado I present you in the top 10 side pieces to ever throw that monkey wrench in a playa’s game (from least to greatest)
10. Karrine Steffans
Now Ms. Steffans makes this list more so due to the quantity of dudes that she played side piece to than the quality (for lack of a better word) of life, power or fortune that she stripped from them by becoming the albatross that side pieces often morph into. She did however pen a salaciously embarrassing tell all that had to at least bring a little discomfort to her part time bed buddies. So in the absence of quality here is her quantity –along with the superlatives she tagged her desperadoes with:
Ja Rule (called wifey dumb), Ice-T(sugar daddy), Shaq (sugar daddy) , Bobby Brown(junkie) , Usher (jerk), Puffy (on the down low), Xzibit (down low) Juelz Sanatana (hair puller) Young Buck (her favorite trick), Jay Z (hard to look at), Pusha T (chronic bad breath) Trick Daddy (energetic), Mos Def (chronic bad breath) Too Short (Too talkative) Q-Tip (asshole), Mase (asshole), Wyclef (bad breath).
While I’m certain most of the aforementioned did not skip a beat in so far as their climb to success in their industry, they at least had to deal with the side eyes of their respective wives and committed lovers when it was revealed that they too were dipping in community booty and being made props to sell crappy books. Not a good look–even for a rapper.
9. Amy Fisher
This is another one where a sensationalized story was more of an impetus to this becoming fodder for new reporters and gossip columns than an actual down fall of a man who gambled it all on a piece of ass and lost. In fact one could argue that the Long Island Lolita as Ms Fisher was so infamously called helped pluck Joey Buttafuoco from from obscurity and for a time made the guy a quasi celebrity. Though he will always where the crown of being a cradle robbing teen stalker since Amy was a 17 year old student when he decided to side piece her. But what really earns her a spot on the SPA list is the attempted murder charge she got for trying to kill her back seat lovers wife by knocking on her door and shooting her in the face. Way to pick’em Joey!
8. Rasheeda Moore
Rasheeda Moore was a 38 year old former model and cover girl when her name became synonymous with the phrase “THE BITCH SET ME UP”.
After a series of run ins with the law (from DC to LA )the FBI approached Ms. Moore to aide and abet them in their quest to take down current Ward 8 council member and former DC Mayor Marion Barry– and boy did she deliver. While the good Mayor was busy trying to get some ass his side piece Ms Moore was busy trying to save some ass–her own. She damn near shoved the pipe down his throat (while he was trying shove pipe somewhere else)and he might have gotten to hits of the crack before the FBI busted in and cock blocked him out of both the crack rock and the ass crack that he originally came to the Vista hotel for in the first place.
Now a mayor of a major city and capitol of the United States, getting caught with a crack-pipe in his mouth, set up by his side piece (in conjunction with the FBI) would normally be enough to win the SPA or at least rank closer than spot number 8, but luckily the DC voters are extremely forgiving and even more forgetful because a mere four years later they voted to re-elect him marking one of the most fascinating political comebacks of the 20th century.
One a side note: If the voters in Toronto are half as magnanimous as the
pitiful merciful voters in the District of Columbia (circa 1999) than the Rob Ford re-election team has good reason to be optimistic.
7. Ashley Dupre
The Village Voice dubbed her the most famous hooker in America after it had been revealed that then New York Governor Elliot Spitzer was paying out of the wazoo for side booty (upwards to $5,500 per hour). Ms Dupre in this case inadvertently helped push Spitzer off of his perch when those massive wire transfers to the Emperors Club (the escort service that employed Ms Dupre) triggered an FBI investigation. The Governor went on to resign from office in shame. However the real shame is the fact that he raised the price of tricking to such a ridiculous figure. $5,500 an hour? If that was the cost for all side action the world would be free of infidelity.
6. Monica Lewinsky
Unlike Ms Dupre Ms Lewinsky’s take down of her king of the hill seemed much more premeditated. Now a 50 year old leader of the free world sleeping with a 22 year old intern is just bone deep dumb. No excuse for the lower chamber over ruling the upper chamber on that one. That being the case to go to such lengths as to preserve a semen stain on her dress after a job well done at least to me denotes a woman with a motive. Even if she was devoid of ulterior motivation her damage was pretty significant–at least it was 20 years ago. She helped get a sitting president impeached. She would actually be higher on this list had not he been able to remake his public image to the point that he can garner 250K plus per speaking engagement. But she seems not to be done…
Monica and her sordid tales from the 90’s have recently been resurrected. First via a Rand Paul mention and more recently via her own volition as she penned a piece for Vanity Fair. Her re-introduction to public life is as curious as Rand Paul’s invocation of her name was dubious. And she came back with an attitude and vengeance with scorn for everyone from Beyonce to the feminist movement all the way back to the woman whose husband she borrowed 20 years ago. This is what she had to say about Hillary…
“Yes, I get it…Hillary Clinton wanted it on record that she was lashing out at her husband’s mistress. She may have faulted her husband for being inappropriate, but I find her impulse to blame the Woman — not only me, but herself — troubling.”~ Monica Lewinsky
So let me get this straight. You give fellatio to the woman’s husband, preserve the DNA evidence on your dress for proof– then when it becomes a headline story and the shit hits the fan you’re mad at the woman you wronged?
Monica sounds like she’s arrested in her development. She’s still that same little chubby 22 year old blonde brunette playing hide and
suck seek under the executive desk in the oval office. Nothing else makes sense to me.
5. Rachel Uchitel
Tiger was on top of the world before the first of his many dalliances outside of his marriage began to unearth themselves. He had just come off winning his 14th major (the Australian Open) and had Jack Nicholas’s 18 majors record firmly insight because up until that fateful day in November of 2009 when wifey went HAM on him and his Escalade, From 1999 to 2008 not one year had gone by without Tiger winning at least one major–he has not won a single major since Ms Uchitel among other mistresses came to light. I imagine Jack Nicolas is celebrating with the 1972 Dolphin’s team. His record is at least as safe as theirs so long as omnipresent side piece remain in existence.
4. Mark O’Donnell
Before there was such thing as a Jersey Bridge-Gate there was a Jersey Bi-Gate. Who said that side piecery was only reserved for females? This particular man on man tryst cost the New Jersey governor his political career. Too bad that he was not a black athlete–in which case all he’d have to do was hold a press conference declaring his true sexual proclivities. If that were the case he’d be more hero than goat. Thank god for “black privilege” huh? Just kidding.
3. Donna Rice
If I said the name Gary Hart you’d likely say, “Gary who?” The reason why he’s less prominent in the history books is due to the woman sitting on his lap–or the paparazzi that snapped the now infamous Presidential campaign ending photo.
In 1988 Gary Hart was far ahead of the democratic pack when his long rumored infidelity finally came to light. Within weeks his campaign and poll numbers took a nose dive. He went from being the sure shot democratic nominee to lagging behind even Jesse Jackson for said nomination. When you have less hope than Mr. Keep Hope Alive you are officially dead in the water and that just what happened to Harts presidential aspirations. So while Donna Rice may seem like a rather obscure name, in order to fully understand her historical impact and moreover her SPA ranking one must grasp the counter-factor of what would have been.
2. Rielle Hunter
John unlike Gary had no chance of winning the democratic nomination the year that the National Enquirer caught him with his hand in the cookie jar. He still however had substantial political clout when he gracefully bowed out of what essentially became a two person race to the nomination between Hillary Clinton and President Barack Obama. In addition to losing ALL of his political capital for which he would have easily been able to parlay into a cabinet position (thereby keeping his presidential ambitions alive) he lost his wife who was dying of cancer, the trust of his family and the public, and faced federal campaign violation charges for allegedly supporting his mistress and their forthcoming love child with donor money. He beat the case but the entire trial in error only served one purpose and that was to permanently bury the reputation and political aspirations of a man who in 2000 came within a hanging chad of becoming the vice president . His once very bright and limitless political future has been relegated to one of histories myriad foot notes of would have, could have should have…
and the SPA award winner is…
Now before we present the SPA (side piece award)winner allow me, or rather the Good Book to further expound on what happened with our boy Samson :
6 So Delilah said to Samson, “Tell me the secret of your great strength and how you can be tied up and subdued.”
7 Samson answered her, “If anyone ties me with seven fresh bowstrings that have not been dried, I’ll become as weak as any other man.”
8 Then the rulers of the Philistines brought her seven fresh bowstrings that had not been dried, and she tied him with them. 9 With men hidden in the room, she called to him, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!”But he snapped the bowstrings as easily as a piece of string snaps when it comes close to a flame. So the secret of his strength was not discovered.
10 Then Delilah said to Samson, “You have made a fool of me; you lied to me. Come now, tell me how you can be tied.”
11 He said, “If anyone ties me securely with new ropes that have never been used, I’ll become as weak as any other man.”
12 So Delilah took new ropes and tied him with them. Then, with men hidden in the room, she called to him, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!” But he snapped the ropes off his arms as if they were threads.
13 Delilah then said to Samson, “All this time you have been making a fool of me and lying to me. Tell me how you can be tied.”
He replied, “If you weave the seven braids of my head into the fabric on the loom and tighten it with the pin, I’ll become as weak as any other man.” So while he was sleeping, Delilah took the seven braids of his head, wove them into the fabric 14 and[b] tightened it with the pin.
Again she called to him, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!” He awoke from his sleep and pulled up the pin and the loom, with the fabric.
15 Then she said to him, “How can you say, ‘I love you,’ when you won’t confide in me? This is the third time you have made a fool of me and haven’t told me the secret of your great strength.” 16 With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was sick to death of it.
17 So he told her everything. “No razor has ever been used on my head,” he said, “because I have been a Nazirite dedicated to God from my mother’s womb. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man.” ~ The Good Book (Judges 6-17)
Let me let me put this biblical parable in a laymen perspective for those of you who played hookie from Sunday school. This dude Samson had not one, not two, but three clear cut signals from Delilah that she was in on the conspiracy to bring him to ruins. Yet and still he gave her the combination key to his life. That’s some Queen B shit for ya.
and the SPA winner is….
1. V. Stiviano
But I’m sure that you already knew this when you read the title. V. Stiviano cold went Sampson and Delilah on old man Donald. I mean never mind the two Bently’s, the Ferrari and the 1.8 million duplex that his wife is suing her to get back, that’s nothing. That’s not even enough for her to make the list, much less be number one on it.
Ms Stiviano of black and Hispanic heritage pulled off a feat that would make Delilah blush with pride. She got a rabidly racist tycoon to expound in the most visceral fashion on his profound and long rumored disdain for black people and other minorities as if she was not one herself. Her gangster is to be respected. She could probably teach classes on how to win in the side piece lane because while THOT’s be searching for ballers at All Star weekend she’s busy searching for the good fellas that actually pay the ballers. The V in V. Stiviano obviously stands for victory because she’s winning.
On a side note, it’s going to kill Donald Sterling to not be able to sit court side while his million dollar niggers are playing abd remain in contention for this years Larry O’Brien trophy. Many think that ultimately he’s winning because he’s about to make a one thousand percent profit on his 13 million investment. He’s not winning because he’s already a billionaire a couple times over and has completed no less than 95.3 percent of his lifespan which means that he can’t even spend the 2 billion that he already has in his coffers–he won’t even see the possible billion that he makes from the forced sale of his team due to all that older money in the way.
The day has finally come that his lowly, perpetual last place Clippers are playing for it all and he can’t even tune in TNT to watch them because he’s been so excommunicated from the game. Donald Sterling, thanks to V. Stiviano is the first person to ever have his NBA League pass revoked. The struggle is real for that cat. He might soon be worth 3 billion dollars but he’s still losing. Hell, even he’d tell you that much.
Damn you V! (in my Donald Sterling voice)